Watch this film, you'll feel like YOU'RE cursed!

Death Curse of Tartu (1966)
Starring: Fred Pinero, Babbette Sherrill, Myara Christine and Gary Holtz
Director: William Grefe
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

An undead, shapeshifting Indian shaman takes gory revenge on a group of researchers that has disturbed his underground tomb (located deep in the Everglades swamp).


If you're looking for a movie that gets virtually nothing right, "Death Curse of Tartu" is the film for you. It's got bad actors delivering badly written lines, it's got bland cinematography, pathetic gore effects, some of the worst Foley work you'll see this side of silent movies, and so much inappropriate sound track music that you'll grow numb to it. (The director of the film apparently thought that dramatic music during scenes where nothing happens--such as shots of characters trekking through the bushes or someone making coffee at the campfire--would make the film more exciting). To perfect the awfulness of the film, every character is too dumb to ive, including the survivors of Tartu's wrath and even Tartu himself. There are few films that rely more on "Stupid Character Syndrome" to drag itself to its non-thrilling conclusion this one.

And then there's the fact that Tartu is buried in a bone-dry, sandstone cave that looks like it belongs in the American Southwest rather than a Florida swamp. It makes absolutely no sense and it destroys what little credibility the film had. (Even if such dry caves are possibly in a goopy swamp, it doesn't feel realistic... a thing that's important to achieve in films like this.)

The movie is also deadly dull for the first 35 or so minutes--as it's 12-15 minutes of real material padded with useless film of characters meandering about the swamp--but it picks up a bit when the main group of characters gets to the Everglades. Unfortunately, the padding problem only becomes slightly less severe, causing interesting and even borderline suspenseful parts of the movie to be separated with some of the most boring bits of film you'll ever sit through.

The 2 rating I'm giving "Death Curse of Tartu" is perhaps too generous, but there were glimmers of life in the last 45 minutes of so. If the director and producer had been disciplined enough to make a film 68 minutes instead of 84 minutes, maybe the 2 would be fully deserved. Perhaps this might even be a 3.

"Death Curse of Tartu" is available for the first time on DVD via a "Something Weird Video" Floria-themed double feature extravaganza. The second half of the double-bill isn't all that good either, but it looks like a masterpiece next to this one.

'Blood Tide' is a washout

Blood Tide (1982)
Starring: Martin Kove, Mary Louise Weller, James Earl Jones, Jose Ferrer, Lydia Cornell, and Lila Kedrova
Director: Richard Jeffries
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

American newly-weds (Kove and Weller) looking for a lost relative find themselves trapped on an island where a treasure hunter (Jones) has released an ancient monster that is demanding virgin sacrifices.


I think I know how "Blood Tide" was sold to its backers. The high concept pitch probably went something like this: "It's modern-day, but one of those monsters that the heroes were fighting all those Italian sword-and-sandal films has awakened and its once again demanding virgin blood. The main characters will have to become like Hercules and defeat this ancient menace or end up as sacrifices themselves."

If I were looking to make a cheap horror movie using a Greek island as the backdrop, I would have invested in that movie. Heck, I'd love to SEE that movie, so it's too bad that "Blood Tide" could have been the movie described above, but isn't.

"Blood Tide" has slivers of the modern-day monster/fantasy movie described above, but it barely teases the viewers with its potential. It's a suspense film without any suspense; it is one of the most boring movies I've ever dozed off during. It is a monser movie without a monster; it's presence is barely felt, and the human monster that SHOULD be in the film--the guy who because of his greed is letting the horror happen--is ultimately too wishy-washy a character to inspire anything but a yawn from viewers. It's a film that's shot adequately and that features a decent cast that all do admirably in their parts, but they are working with a script so bad there was nothing they could do to save this movie.

There is really no reason for anyone to waste their time on "Blood Tide" unless it's being used as a cure for insomnia.

No meat at all on 'Skeleton Man'

Skeleton Man (2004)
Starring: Michael Rooker
Director: Johnny Martin
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Michael Rooker leads a team of military specialists into the forests of the Northwest to hunt a killer who has already taken out some of best the US military has to offer, not to mention some civilians. Unfortunately, the adversary is awakened spirit of a homicidal maniac who is bent on killing everything and anything he comes across.


"Skeleton Man" is an excessively muddled, tepid slasher flick where elements seem to be tossed in at random and nothing really gets resolved or explained. It's another one of those films where it seems like no one bothered to check the script for coherence or internal logic before, during, or after shooting. (Why is Skeleton Man killing and why is his spirit roaming? I counted three possibilites, but none seem to connect with anything in particular that was otherwise presented.)

It does manage to conjure up some mildly creepy moments, but those are mostly cancelled out by something nonsensical or just plain bad following immediately there after. The air of cheapness that surrounds the creature--with a cape that seems to change design at random, a hodge-podge of weaponry (some of which seems like it came off the rack at the local Sears store, despite the supposedly centuries-old nature of Skeleton Man), and a badly done skull mask--probably does as much to kill this film as anything else.

And the ending? Probably the worst I've seen, period. Like I said, nothing gets resolved, nothing gets tied up, and there's no reason to assume Skeleton Man's rampage of death is over other than the star of the film declares it to be. (In fact, theere is every reason to believe the opposite, based on what little information the film provides about the Skeleton Man entity.)





Trivia: The German edition of the DVD was actually marketed as a crappy movie, with a tagline on the cover that translates to "Here lives the spirit of Ed Wood."

Don't bother cutting in line for 'Hatchetman'

Hatchetman (2003)
Starring: Cheryl Burns
Director: Robert Tiffi
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Strippers who live in the same apartment building and dance at the same club are targeted by a masked serial killer. Is the murderer really the recently released violent felon they all testified against, or is there something else behind the killings?


Although not as bad as some other slasher flicks--most of the girls in this one are decent actors--this is still not something you'd want to go out of your way for. The script is weak, there's entirely too many characters being dumb to keep the story moving (although the characters who behave stupidly ARE portrayed as stupid even before they run into dark alleys so they can be killed in private), and the killer and what motivates him are also lame.

The most amazing thing about this movie is that it was produced and aired by a major cable network, Showtime.

No need for you to answer this call

Night Caller (aka "South Beach") (1993)
Starring: Fred Williamson, Peter Fonda, Gary Busey, Robert Forster, and Vanity
Directors: Fred Williamson and Alain Zaloum
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Three retired football players (Busey, Fonda and Williamson) are living the good life in Florida while dabbling at being private detectives when they're bored. When the ex-wife of Williamson's character (Vanity) is threatened by a stalker who murders one of her co-workers, the fun and games become deadly serious for everyone.


"Night Caller" suffers from a severe case of attention deficit disorder. We have the stalker, we have gangsters wanting protection money from local merchants, we have gangsters trying to protect their girlfriends from being shamed over nude photos taken of them (yeah, I wondered about that one, too), we have obscene phone-calls being made to a phone-sex worker (yeah, I too thought that went with the territory)... and then we have our main characters wandering blithely from situation to situation and getting by on script fiat and luck more than detective work or anything resembling common sense or decent story logic. This movie tries to be a buddy picture, a sexual thriller, and a detective story and if fails miserably at being all three.

If you add to the fact that everyone in the film--even Fred Williamson who is usually fairly bad--gives performances far below their usual standards to the pathetic script, as well as the appearance that several actors seem drunk in more than a few scenes (although I suppose they could just be trying to play "jovial"), I think it's a safe bet that everyone in this picture is there more for the Florida vacation than actual work.

'Cemetary High' does not meet Dept of Edu standards

Cemetery High (aka "Scumbusters") (1989)
Starring: Debi Theibeault, Karen Nielsen, Ruth Collins, Lisa Schmidt, Simone, Frank Stewart, Tony Cruck and David Coughlin
Rating: One of Ten Stars

A group of young rape victims go on a murderous rampage, killing scummy men whereever they can find them.


"Cemetery High" is a badly mounted attempt at spoofing revenge flicks like "Death Wish" and any crime drama you care to mention. However, it's badly written, even worse acted, and the best of the gags will tease only the mildest of chuckles out of even the drunkest viewers.

Toss this film on the pile of movies that never should have made the transition to DVD and start the incinerator. But don't waste your time watching it.

A Christmas movie to curdle your eggnog

Deck the Halls (2006)
Starring: Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito, Kristen Davis, and Kristen Chenoweth
Director: John Whitesell
Rating: One of Ten Stars

"Deck the Halls" revolves around a pair of fathers feuding over who's going to have the best Christmas decorations in town... and the supposed hilariaty that ensues when the feud gets out of hand. I say "supposed" because this film is over-long, unfunny--even the slapstick is more groan-inducing than chuckle-inspiring--and populated by characters that are so badly written that, struggle as they may, the actors simply can't imbue them with life, let along the Christmas Spirit.


Oh... and you can add to the fact that most of what happes in the movie feels like it was cribbed from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." So, if you want to see a whacky, somewhat uncouth Christmas comedy, why not stick with the film "Deck the Halls" was copied from?

(All that said, it's been pointed out to me that the movie did redeem itself ever-so-slightly at the end. But, as nice an ending as it is, with a little bit of good cheer creeping in, it is far too little to make up for the rest of the film.)

If anyone starts a class-action suit so the poor souls who saw this film on its opening day, please keep me in the loop. I want my money back AND something for my pain and suffering. Meanwhile, though, you out there who are reading this should take my warning and NOT see this movie. (Although recommending it to relatives you'd rather not have to spend the Holidays with would be a sure-fire way to get out of it. It'll be Guy Faulkes Day (or later) before they'll be wiling to speak to you again.)