Dull film made worse by insipid dubbing

Spirits of Bruce Lee (aka "Angry Tiger" ) (1973) 
Starring: Michael Chan 
Director: Shang Lang
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

 When his brother is robbed and murdered while buying jade in Thailand, jeweler and kick-ass martial artist Chen-Wai Chang (Chan) sets out to find and punish his killers.

"Spirits of Bruce Lee" is a waste of time and space. It's populated by uninteresting characters portrayed by handsome but unremarkable actors and actresses, and it moves at a glacial pace from predictable plot point to predictable plot point. Even in 1973 this boring and overlong film must have been a sleep-aid for some, and a welcome make-out opportunities for teenagers at drive-ins and second-run movie houses. The only way to get through this movie without boredom killing you as dead as Bruce Lee--barring making out or dozing off--would be to consume copious amounts of spirits (Bruce Lee Spirits or otherwise.)

 This film is one of the few in this set that has no qualities that give any reason for you to watch it. It's possible the original Chinese version is slightly better than what comes across in this obnoxiously dubbed film that features one of the greatest collection of annoying voices to ever be assembled in one place, but even it can't possibly be worth the time it takes to watch. It's rare that I think Godfrey Ho adding some random ninjas could improve a film, but I think taht would have been the only thing that could have saved this paint-by-numbers, half-assed martial arts melodrama..

By the way, can someone explaine the "Brucespoitation" thing to me? Did movie-going martial arts fans in the mid- to late 1970s really go to see any piece of crap that had Bruce Lee's name in the title? This movie can't be described as a tribute to Bruce Lee (or even anyone who was involved with making it it's so awful), nor does there seem to be any similarities to any of the movies Lee made plot-wise or theme-wise--except in a single, minor point that one really has to stretch to even consider a similarity. I simply don't get the selling point.

'Weapons of Death' aren't nerf guns or tasers

Weapons of Death (1986)
Starring: Eric Lee, Bob Ramos, Ralph Catellanos, Louis Bailey, Gerald Okamura, Gina Lau, Nancy Lee, and Paul Kyriazi
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

When the owner of a martial arts school in San Francisco (Lau) refuses to pay protection money to a local Chinese mobster, vicious thug Bishop (Catellanos) is hired to kidnap her daughter, Angela (Lee). Her half-brother (Lee), father (Ramos), and boyfriend (Kyriazi) set out to pay the demanded ransom, but run afoul all sorts of trouble, mostly brought on by stupid scripting.

"Weapons of Death" is a title that prompted me to ponder the question, "Are there any other kinds of weapons other than weapons of death?"

I suppose there are... like tasers and Nerf bats. And then there is the Ugly Stick and the Stupid Stick, both of which were used liberally on many of the actors and all of the characters in this film.

As for the movie itself, the sheer idiocy on the part of the characters, the way motivations seem to be come and go and change between scenes, and the way some of the actors can't even seem to deliver a single line without sounding like they should be attending the Tromaville School for the Very Special (yes, i'm looking at you Eric Lee and Paul Kyriazi) make me wonder if the "script" for this film wasn't made up as shooting took place. Something was needed to tie the so-so choreographed and horribly filmed fight-scenes together after all. (Actually, i happen to know that at least one draft of the script was written, because the director makes reference to writing it on his website. It's too bad he didn't take it through several drafts; he might have realized that his kidnap was victim was annoying--particuarly the way she gets kidnapped, rescued, kidnapped, rescued, and then kidnapped again--his heroes were dumb and his villians dumber, and that an explanation for why the Chinatown crimelord and all his goons seemed to be living in a desert wilderness would have been nice.)

The only two actors who should put this film on their resumes are Louis Bailey (who plays the toughest of the bad guys, and who has a change of heart halfway throgh the film) and Ralph Catellanos (who, as Bishop, is such a nasty piece of work that even other bad guys don't like him). The rest of the cast are average or subpar.

Between the bad script, weak acting, and indifferent to shoddy camera-work, there is no real reason for you to seek out "Weapons of Death". It might serve as a B-feature on a Bad Movie Night, but otherwise this is a film best left to fade into cinematic oblivion.

Those wacky Ninja and their wackiness!

Ninja Champion (1980)
Starring: Nancy Chang, Bruce Baron, Jack Lam, Richard Harrison, and Pierre Tremblay
Director: Godfrey Ho
Rating: One of Ten Stars

A rape victim, Rose (Chang), infiltrates a diamond smuggling ring so she can more effectively stalk and kill the three men who raped her (as well as uncover who ordered them to do it). Meanwhile, the Good Ninja (Baron), who also happens to be an Interpol agent, is attacking and killing the followers of the Evil Ninja (Tremblay) because... um... well, just because. It might have something to do with the diamond smuggling, but, then again, it might not. Who can tell with these cazy ninjas?


"Ninja Champion" is one of the most inane, muddled martial arts movies I've ever seen. The plot with rape victim is fairly trite, but comprehensible in and of itself, even if the whole diamond smuggling bit is rather farfetched and rediculous. The ninja stuff, however, is so stupid that it doesn't make any sense even after the Evil Ninja (who is named Maurice, so it was obviously the cruelty of his parents that made him choose a life of crime and evil) explains his plot the the Good Ninja. It understandable the Good Ninja wants to kick his ass... I wanted to do the same to the writer/director who came up with this crap.

This is a One Tomato movie that I'm nonetheless awarding Two Tomatoes for, due to much unintended hiariity in the bad dubbing and the bizarre final battle between the Good Ninja and the Bad Ninja.

I can't really recommend this movie to anyone, because I think I felt the braincells dying as I was watching it. However, it might be good for a Bad Movie Night if you've got someone in your crowd that's good at quipping while a film unfolds.

Not so secret Ninja Fact: This movie sucks

Ninja Phantom Heroes (aka "Ninja Empire") (1987)
Starring: Glen Carson, George Dickson, Bruce Lambert, Dinny Yip, and Christine Wells
Director: Bruce Lambert (aka Godfrey Ho (?))
Rating: One of Ten Stars

A Hong Kong crime syndicate and an Evil Ninja Cult become embroiled in a turf war over who gets to sell illegal arms to the Arabs. A Good Ninja (Carson) and his homely girl sidekick (Wells), in the employ of the CIA, are tasked with putting a stop to all the arms-dealing shenanigans. Or something like that.


"Ninja Phantom Heroes" is a bewilderingly incoherent movie that's available under several titles, including "Ninja Empire", which is rather confusing, because the director of this film has made another movie that's ALSO titled "Ninja Empire". Still, it's not as confusing as this movie, which, near as I can tell, is two--perhaps even three-- separate films mashed together.

One film is a third-rate Hong Kong gangster movie/love story that is full of entirely too many characters and is brain-crushingly dull, except for a cool car vs. motorcycle chase that culminates in, of all things, a knife fight. (That action scene is way too cool to be part of the gangster/love drama, so I'm thinking it might not be from the same movie.

The second one is a very silly bit of filmmaking where two American Ninjas, once good friends but now deadly enemies, are heading toward a final showdown. And, boy, what a showdown that turns out to be! It's one of the absolutely lamest climaxes of ANY film ever unleashed upon an unsuspecting world.

(I think that if Ninjas truly were in the habit of flipping out and killing people, they would kill Bruce Lambert for exploiting their secret and sinister ways in such a crappy movie.

If trimmed to somewhere around 45 minutes, and viewed while drunk and with friends riffing in an MST3000 style, "Ninja Phantom Heroes" might be bearable. As it is, you should avoid it at all costs. I think my IQ dropped at least ten points as I watched the film, and I think I may have lost 2 more points while writing this review.