Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The most aptly titled film in the history of filmmaking

Disaster Movie (2008)
Starring: Matt Lanter, Nicole Parker, Gary "G-Thang" Johnson, Vanessa Minnillo, Crista Flanagan, Ike Barinholtz and Kimberly Kardashian
Directors: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Let's the the easy and obvious out of the way: "Disaster Movie" is the most appropriately named film ever. This is a movie that not only should but WILL end careers (unless it's being funded by Germans looking for a tax write-off). However cheap it was to make, there is no way something this utterly devoid of quality, coherence and funny material will come even close to recouping what it made.

This film is almost certainly one of the worst movies ever made. It is, indeed, a disaster movie in every sense.

"Disaster Movie" is a failed comedy that pokes fun at about a dozen movies of all genres and budget levels from the past couple of years. It is such a misffire that its spoof of "The Love Guru" actually makes "The Love Guru" look good. I'm not going to summarize the plot, but there really isn't one... we just have the main characters running from disconnected skit to disconnected skit while the city they live in is being hit by meteors, tornados and mysterious fires.


That said, I did laugh during the spoof of the "Step Up" movies, I was vastly amused by the demon-possessed Alvin and the Chipmunk clones, and I thought that Ike Barinholtz was very funny as Batman and later Beowulf. Also, Nicole Parker was also hilarious as the "Enchanted Princess"... in fact, she stole every scene she was in and she was the only consistently funny thing about the film. At no point did the "Enchanted Princess" character feature in a gag or scene that went on and on and on and on well past the point where it had stopped being funny or even remotely interesting. (Like the songs in the film. Maybe it's because I haven't seen any of the "High School Musical"films, but there's a spoof of them that drags on forever, with a song so lame that only the dance number that goes with it is lamer. Now, you might say that since I haven't seen any of the "High Shool Musical" films, I'm not getting the joke. Well, I've never seen the movie that "Airplane" makes fun of, and I rank that as one of my favorite comedies. Whether a viewer is familiar with the material being spoofed, the writers of the comedy should still put enough thought and craft into their script to make it funny.

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have made the worst theatrically released movie of the year with this one. I know it's only August, but I can't imagine anything worse than this could possibly be released. I wouldn't mind seening Nicole Parker or Ike Barinholtz in the futur, as they were very, very funny. Vaneesa Minnillo and Kimberly Kardashian both fill out tight dresses nicely (so I would REALLY like to see more of them in the future). But, while I don't wish poverty or unemployment on anyone, Friedberg and Seltzer really should not be allowed near a director's chair again.

This is not a movie that you should wait to see on DVD. Wait for it to be on Comedy Central if you really have to see it. Because as funny as the "Enchanted Princess" and the Alvin and the Chipmunks bits are, they're not funny enough to make sitting through the rest of this movie worth it.

'An American Carol' is a Hollywood embarrassment

An American Carol (2008)
Starring: Kevin Farley, Kelsey Grammer, Robert Davi, Geoffrey Arend, Serdar Kalsin, Leslie Nielsen, Chriss Anglin, Trace Adkins, Bill O'Reilly and Jon Voigt
Director: David Zucker
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Left-wing, America-hating, self-absorbed filmmaker Michael Malone (Farrell) stats a movement to outlaw the Fourth of July. This is one insane liberal act too many, and he attracts the attention of Taliban terrorist leader Aziz (Davi) and his sidekicks (Arend and Kalsin), who under the pretense of funding Malone's first feature film use him to stage a massive Fourth of July suicide bombing attack, and of the spirits of great American leaders General George S. Patton (Grammer), George Washington (Voigt) and John F. Kennedy (Anglin) visit him in dreams in an attempt to change his heart toward love of his country.


I try to keep politics out of my reviews, but any regular readers have probably figured out that I lead to the right politically. Long-time readers have been able to discern that I have nothing but contempt for Michael Moore's films, but that I am very fond of some of the movies David Zucker has been involved with and the sort of insane comedy they've featured. It should therefore be obvious that I went in to the theater expecting to like "An American Carol", a movie that was going to mock Michael Moore and other fanatical Hollywood Lefties while also spoofing a great literary work. It seemed like a movie that couldn't go wrong.

Well, it did.

I laughed less during "An American Carol" than I did during "Disaster Movie". This film is more intelligent and better acted than the former, but it's not as funny. It's as if they made a comedy but forgot to include jokes.

They also seemed to forget to take their script past its first draft, or at least make an attempt at making it coherent. The structure of the film has an eccentric old man (played by Leslie Nielsen) at a Fourth of July picnic telling a "Christmas Carol"-type story of an anti-America fllmmaker haunted by both ghosts and terrorists, making it a fiction being spun by an unreliable narrator within a fiction. This makes the points raised by the movie very easy to dismiss, and they become even easier to dismiss because the film can't seem to keep it's narrative straight, nor do the writers manage to bring Michael Malone back to the real world at the end of the story or even properly bookend the film with the old man wrapping up his narrative with the kids.

The final five minutes, which should serve as the reinforcement of the film's message--that it's ignroance at best and insanity at worst, and the height of ingratitude to those who came before us for Americans to tear down America instead of working to support it and make it better--instead see a complete collapse of the film's already flimsy narrative structure.

The flaws in the story flow become fully exposed and the final scene has Michael Malone walking off with the ghost of General Patton while bantering. Unlike Scrooge, who had a change of heart and started using his wealth and power for good once he returned firmly to the real world, Malone instead seems to remain in the dreamworld of truth-revealing ghosts, making his supposed transformation meaningless. (Part of me wonders if the fact the poor story structure undermines the movie is a symptom lack of the filmmakers being a little less "brave" in their bucking of the Hollywood ultra-liberal, fundamentally anti-America culture.)

"An American Carol" is not without its moments, though. The scenes with the Taliban terrorists (both in and out of Afghanistan) are very funny, as is an extended bit with ACLU zombies (although Dennis Hopper playing a gun-toting judge is what truly makes that sequence). Trace Adkins also makes a fine Spirit of Death (and gives Kevin Farley the opportunity to deliver one of his funniest lines in the whole movie).

In fact, everyone appearing in this film does such an excellent job that it's a shame they aren't supported by a better script. Farley is hilarious as a cartoonish version of Michael Moore; Kelsey Grammer is very, very funny as an appropriately violent George S. Patton ("what's with the slapping?" asks Michael Malone after getting clocked for the umpteenth time, "it's my trademark" replies Patton); Robert Davi gives a performance that's perfectly balanced between menance and mirth as the only remotely intelligent person in the Taliban; and even Bill O'Reilly is funny in scenes where he's making fun of himself.

In an article on the "L.A. Times" website the day the film opened, David Zucker was quoted as saying the producers chose not to have the film screened for critics because he felt it wouldn't get a fair shake because of its political message and the targets it lampooned. Some of the early commentary I saw support his claim to a small extent, but, having sat through "An American Carol", I don't think Mr. Zucker was being completely genuine.

The film wasn't screened for critics because it isn't very good. On the Friday following the film's opening, I heard Rush Limbaugh praising the film's script as being very funny and encouraging people to go see it. He wanted the film to be financially successful, so more comedies with a conversative bent would be made. I don't know what script Limbaugh was reading, but it couldn't possibly have been the one for the movie I watched.

(Don't bother PM'ing or emailing me about how it shows that the right-wing pundits can't be trusted (like some folks did when I originally published this review, despite this statement being in it). The Lefties spewed the same sort of lies about John Singleton's failed comedy "Silver City" a few years back, including some supposedly respectable critics. The right and the left are equally guilty about deceiving the public to boost the box office for films they feel are "important.")

"An American Carol" has the same problem that farces of a similar nature have had in recent years... no one bothered to write a decent script for it. Its humor is more intelligent that what you'll find in "Disaster Movie", but there's less of it and the script is just as sloppy and lazily done. Like the writers of "Disaster Movie" (and similar recent efforts) who felt random pop culture references could stand in for craftsmanship in the writing, the filmmakers here assumed the politics on display would be all that would be needed to carry the film.

It's a shame that Zucker and the other filmmakers wasted the talent assembled on such a crappy effort. It's an even bigger shame that the film's weak showing at the box office will be taken as proof that the public isn't interested in seeing movies that carry a pro-America message. (Because that's the message the film industry establishment and analysts will want to take away from this.)

Tom Green sinks to abysmal lows in directorial debut

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
Starring: Tom Green, Marisa Coughlan and Rip Torn
Director: Tom Green
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Wanna-be cartoonist Gordy (Green) lashes out at his tough-as-nails father by falsely accusing him of molesting his younger brother (Thomas).

Writing that teaser summary just made me realize this film is even less funny than I first thought.

My guess is that if you LOVED "The Tom Green Show" you'll find something to like "In Freddy Got Fingered." If you were a casual viewer like me, you'll probably be alternatively grossed out and amazed by what unfolds on the screen. And not amazed in a good way. Amazed that someone actually inflicted this movie on the pubic. This is undoubtedly one of the most disgusting films ever made... Green is trying to top the TV show here, and he succeeds. It's too bad that he also succeeds in being completely unfunny.


I like gross-out humor as much as the next guy who never truly grew up, and I generally applaud humor that goes out of its way to be "offensive" and "non-senstive," but Christ! This movie is too much even for me!

The very generous One-Star rating I'm giving this movie is for the character of a wheelchair-bound rocket scientist (Coughlan) with whom Gordy falls in love, as the character and the story surrounding her is actually pretty funny; and for Rip Torn's funny performance as Gordy's no-nonsense, ever-suffering father.

This comedy is long on title, short on funny

Shriek if You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th (2000)
Starring: Majandra Delfino, Harley Cross, Danny Strong, Julie Benz, Simon Rex, Tom Arnold and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
Director: John Blanchard
Rating: 1 of 10 Stars

A knife-wielding killer targets a group of students from Bulemia Falls High School, and TV reporter Hagitha Utslay (Thiessen) for death.


There's not much I can say about this film... other than don't waste your time on it. It's perhaps the most unfunny horror movie spoof ever made. The biggest mistake the filmmakers made is that they set out to spoof horror movie spoofs like "Scary Movie" and even "Scream" (which, by the way, this film leans heavily on), but to compound their error, the writers failed to produce the biting satire that is necessary to make a project like this work, and they manage to come up with any decent jokes. (When this review first appeared, a reader of my "Rotten Tomatoes" page suggested that the people who made this movie couldn't even get the title right... "Scream" would have worked better than "Shriek.")

I think there was a good idea at the outset here, but I also think that no one involved had the talent to pull something like this off. Mel Brooks might have been able to make a film like this one was intended to be, but the creators here couldn't even come close.

Great example of how NOT to make a movie

Carnage Road (aka "Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface")(2000)
Starring: Dean Paul, Molinee Dawn, Melissa Brown, and Mack Hail
Director: Massimiliano Cerchi
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Four photography students head into the Nevada desert to take photos for an extra credit assignment, but they find themselves stalked by a machete-weiding killer who wears a mask fashioned from the faces of his victims.


This is quite possibly one of the worst slasher movies ever made. The pacing is bad; the establishing shots go on well after the setting has been established and they keep repeating; the dialogue and characters are lame (with Hail's portrayal of an obnoxious van driver being the most interesting character in the whole piece); the acting is atrocious (although, in fairness, Paul and Dawn actually started out pretty good--the scenes of them in their apartment lifted my hopes forthe rest of the film... only to dash them); the kills are weak and dull (and repetatively weak and dull... I think the production must have only had one cut-away weapon to use); the gore effects are on the level of a high school backyard camcorder production; and the foley artist was probably the most incompetent of everyone who worked on the production (the same teeth-grinding sort of sound was used no matter what Quiltface chopped, the punching sounds were just bad, and he missed the opportunity to cock a gun).

The only thing that saves this movie from being a 0-Star effort is the unintentional comedy that grows out of the final battle (well, more like the final slap-fight) between Quiltface and Robert (Paul), the last survivor of his rampage, and the way that Paul illustrates exactly what it means to "cry like a little girl."

I'm sure he behaves like I would if confronted with a mad killer wearing a mask made of human faces, but the simpering and shrieking like a 12-year-old school girl doesn't exactly make him appear manly and it is quite hilarious to watch. So is the fact that Paul has to take babysteps and not run very fast so that the actor playing Quiltface can keep up, what with his restricted vision in the mask and the rocky desert floor.

I suppose that the electronic score was also a little better and more effectively implemented than is typical for a movie like this.

The bottomline, though, is that "Carnage Road" is another one of those movies that is worth watching to see how NOT to make a movie.