The Original Bad (VERY bad) Santa

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Starring: John Call, Leonard Hicks, and Vincent Beck
Director: Nicholas Webster
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Aliens kidnap Santa Claus (Call) and bring him to Mars so he can bring toys and holiday cheer to their depressed, television-obsessed children. But evil and conservative forces want to stop him from tainting Martian culture with Earth-based Christmas nonsense.

"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is a stupendously bad movie that fails on just about every level. The idea of Santa Claus converting grumpy evil Martians to the Light Side through the force of good cheer and Christmas spirit is a great idea, but since we never get a sense of why they would want to resist the Christmas Spirit to begin with, the idea remains stillborn.

Then there's the problem with the pacing of the film, with even the busiest scenes having a feeling of being padded. The story flow is also disorganized and rambling with the various scenes and events of the picture barely feeling connected to each other, and in some cases it is almost as if characters forgot what happened in the scene immediately prior.

The final nail in this film's coffin is that it's another example of a movie where the ideas and creative visions were bigger than the film's budget out accommodate. This is particularly evident in the sad, painfully cheap sets of the Martian space ship. The Martian costumes and make-up aren't much better, as they put viewers in mind of an Al Jolson black-face performance rather than Martians.

The only halfway decent thing about the picture is John Call as Santa Claus, although even he cant' rise above the awfulness of the material and often seems confused and even a little bored. He mostly pulls off the jolly Ho-Ho-Ho of the traditional idea of Santa and he delivers a number of rather funny lines effectively... unlike Vincent Beck, who, as the evil Santa-hating Voldar, manages to kill most of the Funny in his laugh lines. (Although Beck does sport one of the funniest mustaches to ever appear in film.)

"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is a holiday picture to avoid as strenuously as your aunt's homemade fruitcake!






Trivia: Pia Zadora made her first screen appearance in this film. She plays a little Martian girl who befriends Santa.

The S-U-I-C-I-D-E Song & Dance Number

If you're inclined to shout "alluha akbar!" or make excuses and justifications for death-worshiping freaks when you see stories like "Car Bomb: Christmas Jihad in Stockholm," don't watch this scene cut from "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead."



(This post was part of a Cinema Steve-wide celebration in honor of Jihadists everywhere.)

Save this one 'til it's the last movie on Earth

Last Woman on Earth (1960)
Starring: Betsy Jones-Moreland, Antony Carbone, and Robert Towne
Director: Roger Corman
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

A crooked business man (Carbone), his wife (Jones-Moreland), and his young attorney (Towne) through a fluke survive a mysterious disaster that kills every living thing on the surface of Earth's northern hemisphere, perhaps in the entire world. They attempt to forge a life on the now deserted planet, but how long can two men tolerate each other with just one woman between them? Not very long.

There isn't much more to this film that that paragraph. If I told you that one man kills the other, and the remaining couple lives happily ever after, I wouldn't be spoiling the film, because that's the outcome that's set up early on, and it's an outcome that's never in any doubt.

The cinematography and acting is serviceable for a film which was probably written on the back of cocktail napkins, for which much of the dialogue was probably ad-libbed (the only explanation I can think of for inexplicably repeated lines within the same scene), and which was only made because Creature from the Haunted Sea wrapped a few days early and director/producer wanted to squeeze as much work out of the cast and crew he had brought to Puerto Rico as possible.

But for a movie that was probably made in a single-digit number of days, it isn't all bad. The characters are interesting in a community theater one-act play sort of way, and the story moves along at a quick pace. While there isn't a whole lot that happens in this film, you can still watch it and not get bored. Antony Carbone is particularly interesting as the crooked business man, mostly because you know that he's going to kill someone before the film's over. The only question is who.

That's not to say that it's necessarily worth watching unless you're interested in what an "artsy" Corman film might look like, or if you want to check out the humble beginnings of the writer of "China Town". But in the final analysis, this is yet another Roger Corman production where the poster art is more interesting than the film itself.

Enter to win a free copy of 150 Movies You Should [Die Before You] See

The folks at HollywoodJesus.com are giving away three free copies of my book via drawings. Enter by clicking on the link below. (The deadline for entries is December 5.)

Click to enter.

'Blood Legacy' is not worth inheriting

Blood Legacy (aka Legacy of Blood) (1971)
Starring: Mary Anders, Faith Domergue, Norman Bartold, and John Carradine
Director: Carl Monson
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

An unlikable old man (Carradine) dies and leaves his massive fortune to his four equally unlikable children... assuming they can stand each other long enough to spend a week together in the family mansion. Well, wouldn't you know it, they soon start dying messily. Who among the ever-dwindling list of suspects hates his or her siblings and their spouses that murder is the answer? Or is there something deeper and more sinister behind the killings? Will the viewers pass out from boredom before the answers are revealed?

"Blood Legacy" is a by-the-numbers thriller with the standard collection of greedy relatives (one of whom is a former mental patient) who are thrown together in a house to get an inheritance. It's basically a sleazy retelling of "The Cat and Canary"--or perhaps one of any number of other similar films, as there is nothing here that hasn't been done much better in countless other movies. The filmmakers attempt to introduce a twist on their lifted plot, but it's too little, too late, and nowhere near clever enough to even begin to save the film.

From the script, to the acting, to the camera work, to the editing, to the special and sound effects, there's nothing that's well done in "Blood Legacy." It's borderline non-watchable, and the only fun you'll get out of it is viewing it with friends who are witty and good at mocking bad movies in "Mystery Science Theater 3000" style.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers!

I am thankful for the roof over my head, and for the fact that I have enough money to keep it there. I am thankful that I have good friends to spend this day with. I am thankful that I live in the United States where I have the luxury and freedom to watch and review whatever the heck I want in my various blogs, not to mention the freedom to write whatever I want on other subjects. I am thankful for all the men and women in law enforcement and the armed services who are protecting my rights and ability to be frivolous.

And I am thankful for all of you reading this and to those of you who have or will be picking up 150 Movies You Should [Die Before You] See. Writers may write, but we also hope to be read.

'Weapons of Death' aren't nerf guns or tasers

Weapons of Death (1986)
Starring: Eric Lee, Bob Ramos, Ralph Catellanos, Louis Bailey, Gerald Okamura, Gina Lau, Nancy Lee, and Paul Kyriazi
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

When the owner of a martial arts school in San Francisco (Lau) refuses to pay protection money to a local Chinese mobster, vicious thug Bishop (Catellanos) is hired to kidnap her daughter, Angela (Lee). Her half-brother (Lee), father (Ramos), and boyfriend (Kyriazi) set out to pay the demanded ransom, but run afoul all sorts of trouble, mostly brought on by stupid scripting.

"Weapons of Death" is a title that prompted me to ponder the question, "Are there any other kinds of weapons other than weapons of death?"

I suppose there are... like tasers and Nerf bats. And then there is the Ugly Stick and the Stupid Stick, both of which were used liberally on many of the actors and all of the characters in this film.

As for the movie itself, the sheer idiocy on the part of the characters, the way motivations seem to be come and go and change between scenes, and the way some of the actors can't even seem to deliver a single line without sounding like they should be attending the Tromaville School for the Very Special (yes, i'm looking at you Eric Lee and Paul Kyriazi) make me wonder if the "script" for this film wasn't made up as shooting took place. Something was needed to tie the so-so choreographed and horribly filmed fight-scenes together after all. (Actually, i happen to know that at least one draft of the script was written, because the director makes reference to writing it on his website. It's too bad he didn't take it through several drafts; he might have realized that his kidnap was victim was annoying--particuarly the way she gets kidnapped, rescued, kidnapped, rescued, and then kidnapped again--his heroes were dumb and his villians dumber, and that an explanation for why the Chinatown crimelord and all his goons seemed to be living in a desert wilderness would have been nice.)

The only two actors who should put this film on their resumes are Louis Bailey (who plays the toughest of the bad guys, and who has a change of heart halfway throgh the film) and Ralph Catellanos (who, as Bishop, is such a nasty piece of work that even other bad guys don't like him). The rest of the cast are average or subpar.

Between the bad script, weak acting, and indifferent to shoddy camera-work, there is no real reason for you to seek out "Weapons of Death". It might serve as a B-feature on a Bad Movie Night, but otherwise this is a film best left to fade into cinematic oblivion.