Saturday, December 19, 2009

My Ten Most Despised Films of
the Past Decade

In the past ten years, I've watched somewhere in the neighborhood of 3,000 movies. It was my way of celebrating the fact I survived the End of Civilization that was Y2K. I suspect I'll watch somewhere in the neighborhood of 3,000 more movies, many of them to celebrate my survival of the End of Civilization that is 2012. Along the way, I'll probably also add another 2,500 brief movies reviews to the realm of cyberspace and print, which is roughly the number I wrote from 2000 to the present day.

My guess is that the worst of those movies were so lame that I couldn't even muster the energy to write a paragraph about them and that they have long since faded in my mind. However, the movies I hated can still very easily be recalled, as I did write reviews for most of them.

Just to show I'm a real serious-like movie reviewer... here's my list of the Ten Movies I Despised the Most from the past ten years, arranged in chronological order. And every film on this list truly is a movie to die before seeing.

My evaluation of the decade gone is that film historians will describe it as the "rise of torture porn and fall of comedy."

Assuming there's anyone left to write film history after 12/21/2012, 12:21 ZULU)

The Bare Wench Project (2000)
Starring: The Eight Artificially Enhanced Boobs of Four Bad Actresses
Director: Jim Wynorski
Rating: Zero of Ten Stars

Four college girls go into the woods in search of the truth behind the Bare Wench legend (or is that the truth of the Bare Wench's legendary behind?). Unfunny, unsexy, and unwatchable. Click here to read the review.

Carnage Road (aka "Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface")(2000)
Steve's Rating: 1 of 10 Stars
Starring: Dean Paul and Molinee Dawn
Director: Massimiliano Cerchi
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Four photography students are stalked by a machete-weiding killer who wears a mask fashioned from the faces of his victims. This is quite possibly one of the worst slasher movies ever made. Click here to read the review.

Shriek if You Know What I Did
Last Friday the 13th (2000)

Starring: Majandra Delfino and Harley Cross
Director: John Blanchard
Rating: 1 of 10 Stars

A knife-weilding killer stalks targets a group of students from Bulemia Falls High School, and TV reporter Hagitha Utslay (Thiessen) for death. Unfunny, boring, and a film for the scrapheap. Click here to read the review.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
Starring: Tom Green
Director: Tom Green
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Shock-comedian Tom Green spends about an hour and a half being gross and obnoxious while other actors struggle to keep their dignity. You can read review and a plot summary by clicking here, but you should spare yourself from watching this movie.

Kill the Scream Queen (2004)
Starring: Bill Zebub and Deborah Dutch
Director: Bill Zebub
Rating: One of Ten Stars

A sexual psychopath and serial killer turned movie-maker rapes and murders actresses and that's just about all there is to this movie. Click here to read the review.

Alone in the Dark (2005)
Starring: Christian Slater and Tara Reid
Director: Uwe Boll
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Christian Slater boinks Tara Reid while feuding with the worst-equipped secret government agency ever established. There's also some stuff with insivible monsters. A low point of Uwe Boll's ongoing effort to be named the Worst Filmmaker Ever. Click here to read the review.

See No Evil (2006)

Starring: Glen "Kane" Jacobs and Samantha Noble
Director: Gregory Dark
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Obnoxious, stupid teens are butchered in sadistic ways by an insane killer with a love for plucking out his victims' eyes. There really is nothing else to this film, except some nice sets. Click here to read the review.

Disaster Movie (2008)
Starring: Matt Lanter and Nicole Parker
Directors: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Rating: One of Ten Stars

"Disaster Movie" tries to poke fun at a dozen or so movies from the late 2000s. It does lots of poking, but there isn't much fun here. Click here to read the review.

An American Carol (2008)
Starring: Kevin Farley and Robert Davi
Director: David Zucker
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

A corpulant and self-absorbed leftist filmmaker becomes the pawn of a terrorist (Davi) and is visited by the three ghosts of great American leaders to make him change his destructive ways. This film ia almost like a comedy, but they forgot to include jokes. Click here to read my review.

Transylmania (2009)
Starring: Oren Skoog and Jennifer Lyons
Directors: David Hillenbrand and Scott Hillenbrand
Rating: Two of Ten Stars

Sex- and drug-crazed American college students stumble their way through fights with vampires and a mad scientist while in Transylvania. An unfunny spoof of the current vampire craze and classic horror films. Click here to read the review.

Also among the many runner-ups for the "honor" of being among the films I disliked the most over the past decade were: "An Inconvenient Truth," "Birth," "Boogeyman," "The Love Guru," "Silver City," "Sleep Disorder," and "The Spirit."


  1. ha ha. The Bare Wench Project! lol

  2. If only the film had lived up to the title. :)

  3. All pretty solid choices - but...
    An American Carol is such a brave idea it deserves some slack, even if it isn't funny,
    and I can't help loving Freddy Got Fingered. I know, I know. But I just can't help it.